So I Said: Meet Sharmayne (she's my wiiife) | S2. Ep.1

The one where Dylan and Sharmayne talk about relationships and reconciliation.

Transcript

Dylan Sellers: 0:00

So I said, we got a guest today. Yeah, I don't normally do guests. I try to keep it keep it tight. But I'm learning that like, in this podcast game, and even in the podcast that we normally produce, I have questions. I have experiences that I want to share with people, based on relationships that I have, right? My so I said, rants don't just come from my head. They come from experiences that I'm having with people. And so I think that it might be important to introduce people into the podcast space. But I don't really know how to do that. So the person that I'm gonna do it with is the one who been riding with me when I know what I was doing. It's appropriate to say so how about you introduce yourself to the people, however, you want to introduce yourself to the people and maybe we should just talk? That sound alright.

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:00

That's cool. Hey, y'all, what's up and stuff. Noaw my name is...,

Dylan Sellers: 1:06

y'all, what's up and stuff?

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:09

Don't do me Thank you. Hey, y'all, my name is Sharmayne Freeman Sellers. I am Dylan's wife.

Dylan Sellers: 1:17

That's my lady.

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:19

Wow. That you but I got flack for and stuff. But you sound like somebody's 65 year old uncle.

Dylan Sellers: 1:29

I always sound like somebody 65 year old uncle. I usually sound like somebody 65 year old uncle who's angry about something. That's what they know, like, legit. That's the whole vibe of the podcast because

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:40

we still own that hat. Listen,

Dylan Sellers: 1:42

I like the hat. Okay, no, I'm

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:44

talking about that hat when we were at the store. And you were just like, so. About this girl hat. Like, why was she wearing that? It was the first day like you just went.

Dylan Sellers: 1:54

First time. It was the first time that I'd seen a hat. Where like, there wasn't like it was a baseball cap. But there wasn't a back to it. Right? Like it just been like,

Sharmayne Sellers: 2:06

natural girls for the puff. What you mean,

Dylan Sellers: 2:09

but there was no puff. Awkward. That wouldn't make sense. If there was a puff. There was there was no puff. Like it just awkward. I didn't call her bald. It just wasn't a puff it. It didn't make any sense to me. And like, I felt comfortable. Having a conversation about it with you. I didn't walk up to the woman and have

Sharmayne Sellers: 2:27

a conversation with me. You went on a 10 minute rant about her hat ensemble choice in a conversation because

Dylan Sellers: 2:39

things are confusing. Okay. Like if so, I had questions. Anyway. That's not what we're talking about. Okay. At least I don't think that's what we're talking about me.

Sharmayne Sellers: 2:51

That sounds like that's your normal though.

Dylan Sellers: 2:53

Yeah. So anyway, my wife is here. Hello. She thought that it might be interesting for us to talk about relationships, reconciliation, redemption, like forgiveness, like what those things look like, in relationships, whether that'd be marriages or platonic relationships,

Sharmayne Sellers: 3:15

family, family, child. Yeah.

Dylan Sellers: 3:20

And I thought why not start here? We're coming up on our eighth anniversary. And I think that it might be an Okay, time to start talking about our experiences and our relationship. Because we're, we're maturing as a couple we love it we out there you know, whole adulting Listen, man, like, our our relationship is maturing know. And that's, it's different. You think you know things until you're in it for a while. And then you realize you don't know things about stuff.

Sharmayne Sellers: 3:57

Or there's an evolution and more things are revealed right over time.

Dylan Sellers: 4:01

Yeah, I felt uncomfortable giving people advice about relationships when we were only married for like two years. I felt like really uncomfortable with that.

Sharmayne Sellers: 4:09

But I could see that. But then at the same time, even though we were married for two years, we were together for five and we dated for three years before we got married. So that's still a five year relationship.

Dylan Sellers: 4:22

Yeah, I mean, I guess that's real. But I think marriage is different. Oh, yeah, for sure. Right. Like Well, that's maybe another podcast. Why do you want to talk about reconciliation? Is there something that I need to be reconciled for? Is there like, Is there something I need forgiveness for? This is the way that you're telling me that I need to apologize?

Sharmayne Sellers: 4:44

No, no, no, no. So in all honesty, you know, we have a church. So that's the thing. Yeah, um, the purpose fam, we love them. And so there's just been a lot of conversations about you know, calm flicked in discord, and relationships. And so it's got me thinking about what does that look like? How do we navigate? Because unfortunately for us, we had to learn this the hard way, like in the middle of it. No blueprint. So literally if you had not been in therapy and Jesus, no, no telling,

Dylan Sellers: 5:22

yeah, shout out to our therapists, Jesus, Jesus, you know, is, is the ultimate Shout out, like our therapist is top notch chefs kiss. Yeah. Right. So I think that like, that's fair, I think I want to start with, I just kind of like touching you.

Sharmayne Sellers: 5:38

Like, you're on this kneecap,

Dylan Sellers: 5:40

literally, I'm trying to get some kneecap accent that I gotta do today. Um, I think that we should maybe set the stage if we're going to talk about like forgiveness and reconciliation, that we talk about it as two separate things. Because sometimes people use those things interchangeably. Oh, yeah. They're not the same thing. Tell me talk to me about a little bit about the differences. Well, for me,

Sharmayne Sellers: 6:03

I think forgiveness. Forgiveness is very hard. Let's just start with that. Okay, because the way that I've heard it, you know, taught in biblical or pastoral circles, is basically to stop requiring someone to pay a debt, like when we're talking about like loan forgiveness. You don't have to pay that back. Right anymore. Shout out to Joe Biden, amen. Because I'm really hoping to get that 20,000 Just knocked off, forgive that hallelujah. But so that, and that becomes really difficult when we're talking about emotions, because most times you want somebody to pay for the pain, the frustration, the confusion, the time loss, the heartbroken and spirit, I'm just supposed to let that go. Yeah, and not get any kind of vengeance or justice or, and I don't sit well with people. Yeah. Especially when you start to realize that that is genuinely what forgiveness means. Like, not only do I not require it, of you, because you don't really have it to give in the first place. You can't give me that time back. You can't take the words back, like you say, allowed to take it back. But they've already been said they've already cut, they've already done the damage. So you can work to heal, but those words will still be there. Yeah. So not only do I have to stop requiring some sort of Recompense, but I also have to begin the work of healing and genuinely not allowing negative emotions to cloud my judgment or to infiltrate the space, I really have to move forward and be okay with, maybe they never apologize. Maybe they never tried to set things right. Maybe they never even realized that what they did was wrong, or that it significantly affected me. Right, I let all of that go. I give it to God, and move on. He's now saying the words like oh, yeah, but like doing it. Especially depending on the severity of the offense or, right, that's,

Dylan Sellers: 8:18

well, I think that like, the forgiveness thing is important for you, not for the other person. Oh, for sure. Right. And I think I have to learn that when I'm talking about like, forgiveness of like, like my dad, for instance. Right.

Sharmayne Sellers: 8:39

Oh, we're going there. Okay. Yeah.

Dylan Sellers: 8:40

I mean, he is not like, this would be a secret, Sam like, um, and so I think that like with my, with my father, like, I didn't meet him until I was 15 years old. And so there was a, there was a need to like, know who he was, but he had missed like, 15 years of my life. And then even after that, he moved to Florida, right. So like, there was a disconnect. And I realized that I was harboring something that kept me from moving forward in my life, because I was looking for for Him to fill a hole or looking for something to fill that that void, right? Instead of like, legitimately forgiving him I'm looking to replace him. Oh, right. And so like, I'm not grieving the loss. I'm not completing the emotion. I'm just trying to replace it is it's similar to like, you know, your puppy dies and you just go buy another puppy. Right? And to try to replace it.

Sharmayne Sellers: 9:39

Shout out to Grief Recovery listen. Yeah.

Dylan Sellers: 9:42

And so with my with my father, like I had to like, let go of it. It got easier as I got older, because I understood how these things could get away from you. Yeah, right. Like how you could like have a kid but not really know if you have a kid But then, like, know that you had a kid but still have to like live life. Right? And so like not to suggest that like, what he did was right, you can understand a little bit better you can have some empathy. Right? And so like I had to let that go for him so that I can move forward. Right? Not necessarily with the relationship with Him, which that did come. But that's more reconciliation that takes two parties. Yeah, the forgiveness part was for me, so I wasn't looking for my father and every man that I met, right, and with every mentor that I was searching for, right. And I think that like, that's like a familial example. But there's some stuff like, even in our relationship, right? That you've had to forgive me for that. I might not even know that you forgave me for. And so maybe you should talk about that a little bit. So I can find out what you'd be forgiven before. Yeah, I put a microphone to you so I can pump you for information. That's, that's what's going on here.

Sharmayne Sellers: 11:02

You know, my policy. If you ask, I gotta give it to you. Um, so most recently talking about the dance studio? Oh,

Dylan Sellers: 11:17

yeah. That's super fresh, bro.

Sharmayne Sellers: 11:21

So, fun fact, I have a dance studio, we are celebrating. In a few months, we'll be celebrating 10 years in business. In the process of relocating to another space, a bigger space. I'm sharing a space right now. And we're that we are currently outgrowing. And so the the hunt for a new space, the diligence with which I have been doing it kind of like shutting a lot of stuff out, talking about budgeting, how much I think I'm gonna need for the move. And, you know, my husband was being a bit of a negative Nancy. Yeah. And like, well, I don't know if we should do that. Or do you? Do you think that's too much money? And what about having to pay it back? And I'm like, my guy, my guy. Yeah, to the point where I started to pull back on how much I was sharing with you. So because I needed to be excited about it? Yeah. I, this is the first time that I've ever done anything like this. And so and the person that I wanted to share it with the most didn't necessarily feel like a safe space for me to dream. Yeah, yeah. And so that's heavy. It was also really hard to to keep it from you and to continue, and the direction that I was going because it felt like I was going against you, which is difficult for me. But I couldn't stop because I know what God said.

Dylan Sellers: 12:53

Yeah. And I'm really glad that you that you listened to God, right? Because it's, that's, that's really the thing. I think that like, I was dealing with some unhealed trauma myself. Right, in that process. And so like, there was things that was reminding me of things that I thought that I had let go, right, that were legitimately triggering me, right? When it came to the finances, and so wanting to make sure that like we were okay, financially going forward, taking the chance on some of that stuff was was you know, I was nervous about Yeah, right. But I'm really glad that you like forgave me and stuff. Like, we're moving forward. And like, I'm very proud of the work that you're the work that you're doing with the studio, and how it's growing. I think I want to like shift gears to like what that looks like on a reconciliation side, because like, it's one thing to forgive, but how do you reconcile how do you get back in right standing? Right. And so like, in the faith, we talked about it from terms of Jesus paid it all? Absolutely correct. Pay for the sin? Absolutely correct. No, no arguments there. The the real, like, thing is he came so that you would be reconciled and right standing with God. And so like that part takes work, how do you engage in that right reconciliation, part of the work?

Sharmayne Sellers: 14:29

I think just like we are reconciled to God where there has been, you know, a debt pay for that possibility. It is still our choice. To do so. We have to choose to be reconciled with the person. And like you said, it only works if both parties agree. So of course God wants us to be reconciled with Him. But we may not be ready because of other things that are going on or I gotta take care of it. So do that, or, yeah, whatever, whatever. Um, and so with friendships or with family members and things like that, both parties have to be willing to legit put the offense or whatever they need to forgive, they need to like put that aside and genuinely begin the work of establishing a new relationship because that old one has died. Because if you keep any remnant of that, then there's the possibility for like, rumination or resentment, bitterness, things like that to creep into the relationship again, and now you have this new thing to get over, even though it's supposed to be gone, and all of that. And so it's a choice. And it's, I think I will, I think it's a continuous choice. So it's not just like, I want to be reconciled, you wake up and everything's great. Like, it takes time to build back that trust, it takes time to feel safe. And in that space around that person safe to share ideas, safe to just be around them without, you know, fear that another offense will happen. Or even if it does, understanding of the motive, because sometimes you can tell somebody, you know, I I prefer to be treated this way. Or can you say, say it like this instead? And if they don't, then you have to ask yourself, are they was this just like a genuine slip up? Or are they not interested in doing the work to make me feel safe in this relationship?

Dylan Sellers: 16:42

Because I mean, you got to, I think that you, you're right, you have to make some decisions about what you want the relationship or if you want the relationship to continue, right. And so like, forgiveness is one thing, like you got to put those, put those things to bed, right? And it's not necessarily that you have to forget everything that they did. But like, you do have to like, stop making them pay for it. And that takes that takes work. But that reconciliation piece like you have to decide whether or not you want the relationship. Yeah. Right. Because sometimes people say I forgive you. And they may genuinely forgive you. But they don't actually want the relationship but because we don't understand what like Forgiveness means that it doesn't mean that we got to be in relationship. You just think that like, oh, well, I forgave you. So like, we can go back to the way things were? And it's like, no, no, I'm gonna put myself and my you I mean, in the line of fire, you have said like, it's clear that you're you haven't changed this behavior? You know, I'm saying like, it's clear that like, you might be doing some things like, oh, I don't want to get down with so like, I can move on, or it was a genuine mistake. Or you have committed to being with that person, through good times and bad. Right. So like, sometimes that's like, in a relationship, which is why there's a difference between like, we kickin it, and like marriage. That's what I'm saying. Like, listen, we I mean, I know that that ain't that ain't you know, popular talk there. But like, no, that's not sexy at all. Nah, man. Like, just because y'all kicking in y'all being kicking it, like, at any moment, somebody could pick up and be like, Alright, I'm done. Just kidding. I'm saying like, and that's true of marriage, but it shouldn't be, it should be much more difficult for you to just be like, and it is, it is much more difficult for you to dissolve a marriage than it is for you to just be like, we're not together anymore.

Sharmayne Sellers: 18:35

Can we talk about? Okay, I'm wondering if I should say this. I'm gonna say it. So I think part of the reason that it's so difficult for people to, to stick and stay is because they're not doing the work of the intimacy.

Dylan Sellers: 18:53

All right, you've got to open up a box, and we ain't got time to go into. I mean, we got more episodes. Yeah, we don't have to come back. We don't have to come back. I didn't think that I was gonna come back. I ain't like we'll go double back to stay. So looks like we might have to Kat we might have to do like, more of these. Right. So like, looks like we need to discuss some intimacy and like what that actually means, on these levels. And so I guess that's all I got to say about this episode. But maybe the next episode when we got another guest, we can talk about intimacy. That's cool. Thanks for Thanks for hopping on my show.

Sharmayne Sellers: 19:30

You know, I'll do what I can say. Class up the joint. You know,

Dylan Sellers: 19:33

that's fair. That's fair. It's a little classier. And here. I got a button up and everything. Yeah, me like, still did the trucker hat because anyway, that's so I said and we just did it and we out