So I Said: Sex isn't the only form of intimacy | S2. Ep.2

The one where Dylan and Sharmayne talk about intimacy in its many forms.

Transcript

Dylan Sellers: 0:00

So I said sex is not the only way to show intimacy. Oh, so I was thinking about the conversation that we had a few minutes ago. Right? They'll see it. And I guess, you know, we can probably drop these at the same time. So it'd be like back to back. That's fine. Yeah. But anyway, I was thinking about that conversation. And I think the most frustrating thing about intimacy, for me, is how little people understand about it. Right, and how like intimacy, the only way to be close to somebody is to sleep with them. You don't even explore, right? You don't even explore other ways to like, connect with people. Yeah. Tell me a little bit about like, your experience with different kinds of intimacy. And like how you figured out the sex wasn't the only way to be close to somebody. Okay?

Sharmayne Sellers: 0:53

Do you want me to just talk as a woman or talk as a counselor or just like, just talk?

Dylan Sellers: 0:59

I'll just because you got so many bags, you can come out of so many hats you wearing? You know, you got so much expertise? You want to? I mean, whatever you feel comfortable with to kind of salty a little bit like, um, there's a little hating going on right now. Like, just so many bags. It's like, I can come at it as a counselor. I mean, it's a woman do you want as a married woman, as a business owner? Do you want me to? How do you want me to address the people? However, however you see fit, yeah, I'll say like,

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:34

a blessing. I'm praying for my hating husband right now. Oh,

Dylan Sellers: 1:39

I mean, you know, you want to your blessing. See, I'm saying do you thing, do you thing what was the question? Talk to me about the time where you learn the different levels of intimacy, like how did you learn that sex wasn't the only way to be close to somebody?

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:54

Okay. So I think the first time I experienced intimacy, without sex well, you, you, you experience intimacy with your family. So the sense of safety and comfort me, you know, if you had that experience, if you have that experience with your family, everybody doesn't necessarily have that. But intimacy is the intentional time, or the closeness that comes from intentional time being spent. And so, you know, we developed, we've developed intimacy with our church members, we've developed intimacy with each other, we didn't have sex until we got married, and we dated for three years. So we were intimate with Jesus

Dylan Sellers: 2:44

for we had to find several ways to be intimate, like, I needed all the levels of intimacy, because

Sharmayne Sellers: 2:50

help us or help us. Make sense. And so that, that that's how we knew that it was possible. And so conversations, spending time with each other. And in those conversations, finding out how much we had in common. Yeah, like, none of that was sexual, but all of it was meaningful and genuine.

Dylan Sellers: 3:11

Yeah. I think that like, that's, that's real. And I think that one of the one of the mistakes that people make is that, like, there are genuine relationships, right? That we're not meant to become romantic. But we're meant to be intimate. We're meant to like for you to share life with that person on a on a very deep level. But then you have sex and you ruin the whole thing. Right? You have to throw it, throw the baby out, you know what I mean? Because, like, once you cross that threshold, it changes everything. Right? And so like, I think, for me, I was at church. And so like, it's a funny story. It may not be like, super funny to anybody else. But it was funny to me. Okay, so this is this was so I was, you know, at church doing like ministry stuff, with like, kids and whatnot. And there was this. There was this woman's white woman who I was, like, very attracted to, which was weird to me, because I'm not attracted to white women. Right? It's just like, not my bag. Anna Kendrick is different. Okay, just put her in a bag all by herself. Okay. But it was at that time, like, it was just like, it was odd to me. So I started like, investigating. It's like, like, wait a minute, this isn't a this isn't a thing for me. Like why? Why am I attracted here? Right. And so like there was like this, I was drawn to her. Right. And the only experience that I had had up until that point outside of like family is that if I was drawn to them like maybe I just wanted to I wanted to kick it with maybe you upsetting Like I wanted to build that sound like that kind of relationship and what I realized it after talking to her, right? Is that like, there was an assignment there. Okay. Right. So I was attracted to her because like, spirit recognized spirit. And so like there was a love that I had to express to her and to her children. Right, that, that if I had to try to cross the line, I wouldn't have been able to like, give Yeah. Right. And then I realized that like, oh, man, when I have an assignment, sometimes it can feel like romantic attraction. Right. And I need to know the difference and pretty quickly, so that I don't end up in a bad spot.

Sharmayne Sellers: 5:45

How did you recognize the difference?

Dylan Sellers: 5:48

Well, there was some, there was some guardrails in place. Okay. Right. So like, one, and you know, it's a blessing, because like, I was with you, right? So like, I'm already saying, like, I'm already in a relationship. So obviously, like, I can't go left here. And I was like, I'm not gonna mess this up. So like, Okay, go left here. But the attraction was still strong. Also, I'm at church. Right. And so like, there are certain guardrails for being in ministry, that that keep you from going too far left, it should, it should keep you from going too far left, right. So with those things in place, it gave me an opportunity to like, investigate, to pray about it be like, Okay, God, like what's going on here? Like, why are you? Like, where are these feelings coming from? Right? And so like, it gave me an opportunity to do that. And not everybody, like, I'm not gonna suggest that like, this is innate. You don't I'm saying it's not something that like, happens, but it is something that like you should explore. Always. Right. There like sex shouldn't be the first option. Right? It shouldn't be the thing like sex is the is the completion, it's Zenith. Right? Like, we don't look at it in that way. Right. Our culture doesn't look at it in that way. That like, we look at sex, like, like, it was just something to do on a Saturday night. Like, vibes are right. It was, yeah, like, um, let's get it on board. You board. I'm feeling it, you fill in it. Like, I got an itch, you gotta itch. We good, let's just make this happen. Right. And it's like, Bro, that's dicey. And you know, saying, like, if you're not a believer, you know, saying like, been alright, man. I got that for you usually like, but if you're a believer, then like, You got to take that that level of intimacy pretty seriously. Because like God does, for sure. You don't I'm saying as like, far as I can tell. God didn't change his definition of marriage. We did. In the sense that in the sense that like, when you saw it in Scripture, I was just reading this in Genesis, right? That like, and they went into a tent, and he made her his wife. That's how they described the sexual encounter. Right. So wait.

Sharmayne Sellers: 8:22

Are you saying that whoever you have sex with? is treated like a spouse or viewed as your spouse? Yeah, because the two shall become one. I knew that I just wanted you to say,

Dylan Sellers: 8:39

it's, it's, I mean, like, that's now did we, and he knew her, and he knew her. Right? He has taken her on as a wife. Because what was understood in that culture at that time, is that, like, if you sleep with me, you have a responsibility to me. Mm hmm. Right? Because what can result from you having sex with me, right is a child. And so like, if you're willing to like, take that risk, you have a responsibility to me at that time. Right? And it's wild, like the only other time you see that in Scripture, and now you got me going down the Scripture, talking about a pastor, but like, nearly all the time, you see that in Scripture is when they're talking about like, temple prostitutes, right? They don't have the same regard, but they're still things that like, they needed to be taken care of. And so there was an exchange of goods, like a high exchange of goods for you to just be like, sleeping around. Does that make sense? So like, not to suggest that like, I don't want to like beat people up here. Right? I'm just talking about like, how, how seriously you have to take that level of intimacy and there has to be steps before it right there has to be like deep conversation like to value that That level of intimacy, right? Because like, it's like you're putting the cart before the horse, when you're doing that, and like, you know, it's not popular to talk about that and say like, how are you supposed to say Chase? And like, I mean, I had sex with people before I got married. So I don't want it to seem like, you know, I'm out here talking about something I don't know nothing about. And like, it's easy. It's it's not. Right. You find yourself in situations, it's an over sexualized society. Like, there are things there's grace, there's grace for that. Yeah. But it is a, it is a thing, like, intimacy is something that is beautiful, that builds long lasting relationships of all kinds. And if you relegate that to just like, sleeping with somebody,

Sharmayne Sellers: 10:46

but as it's like, our, it's like, our Bishop says, anything that grows right, grow slow. And so if you if there's a rush to, to then be physically intimate, then that means that there probably wasn't enough time taken to cultivate that relationship. Because then oftentimes, when you have, though, those relationships are those types of encounters with people, you find out aspects about them that you probably would have probably pushed you to change your mind or kept you from pursuing. Yeah. And now it's hard because, and I know that, like I said, this is not sexy. This is not popular. But soul ties are a very real thing to me, okay, I very much believe in soul ties, I do not believe that they can't be broken. I'm not gonna go that far. But I do believe when you are exchanging yourself and with someone, it is very difficult to not be connected, connected to them. Not only spiritually, but also, biologically, when you climax, your body releases a hormone that pushes you to be close with someone, and it's the same hormone that a mother releases when she breastfeeds. Yeah, so like to say that soul ties aren't real or that you don't believe in them. I mean, you cannot, you can not believe in them. But that doesn't make them any less real.

Dylan Sellers: 12:20

I think that like, when you come into contact with people who like sex, having sex with another person, or with anybody is not a big deal. I tend to believe that, like, if you sit with that person long enough for some trauma, there's some trauma, right? That you've gotten used to the connection, not meaning anything. So you become numb to it, right? I'm not sure if like, if anybody who's had like, like your first sexual encounter, right? Like it was kind of a big deal. If it wasn't traumatic, yeah. Right. So like leaving that as a as a thing. Yeah, that's sometimes like your first sexual encounter is traumatic. And that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about if your first sexual encounter was a thing that you chose, right? A thing that was a that was a decision on the part of you and another person. Generally, if that was your first encounter, you felt something for that person? Yes. You don't. I mean, there was there was something that like, after you felt connected, you felt close, you wanted that to be a thing. But after a while, you realize that it wasn't going to be a forever thing. And so you equate it in your mind that like, sex must not be a thing that happens to keep you together. Mm hmm. Right? You don't you don't really need that to keep you together. And so you start building resistance to the emotion that's attached to it. Right. It becomes like your trauma, numbs you. To that emotion.

Sharmayne Sellers: 13:55

We call that savage or thuggery? Yeah.

Dylan Sellers: 14:00

Yeah. That's what the folks call it in the streets. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll be knowing stuff about stuff. It's a thing. Yeah.

Sharmayne Sellers: 14:07

Don't you want to work with kids? Yeah. Okay. Teenagers keep me hip.

Dylan Sellers: 14:11

I do remember having some conversations with, with folks where they would say, after they got their heart broke, it was like, I'm going into savage mode. Right? So what that means

Sharmayne Sellers: 14:22

they continue to make bad decisions and make their trauma or their baggage

Dylan Sellers: 14:25

worse, right? And then like, they bring other people in with them. Right? And so like, their savage mode becomes how they wreak havoc on other people. So other people feel the way that they do, right. And it just furthers to try to hurt people hurt people. So it's a wild thing, bro.

Sharmayne Sellers: 14:41

Listen, when when you're in that kind of pain, you are willing to do anything to stop it. Like it's, it can be unbearable. And so in some, I mean, I understand All people get, you know, smoking, drinking or sexing it away. Because even if for that moment, there's just I don't have to think about it, there's something else that is in the forefront of my mind. Or I can just be in this experience for a little while, so that I don't have to be reminded of the pain of the trauma of the

Dylan Sellers: 15:21

Yeah. I think that like, we need to give a remedy though, right? Because I, I know that it's almost cliche cliche to say to, like, Holy Spirit can can help you with that. Right. But the truth of the matter is, Holy Spirit, Jesus died for that Holy Spirit can help you with that, and that comfort, but it's a choice. And like, you're not exempt from the feeling of it. And so like, you will have to feel it to reset it. Right? Because like, if you break your arm, and you never go to the hospital, it never sets properly, it never sets properly. And so in order for it to be set properly, what did I have to do gotta break it, it got to break it again. So you have to feel that pain, in order for it to be set properly. I was listening to this. This this, this song by no big deal. One of the things that he said in it was like he was like having a conversation with Jesus. And he says, like, Jesus, why did you weep? If you knew you were gonna raise your friend again, right? And he says, the promise of heaven doesn't take away the depression. Right? And so like, you still have to feel it, but I'm promising that you that I will be there with you in the feeling, right. And so like, that's the thing that like, you're gonna have to feel it because you made a choice. You don't have to feel it. But if you allow Christ, if you allow Holy Spirit to guide you through it, right to be there with you, you start to develop some resilience, that you can make better choices that you will survive this thing, and you stop being dependent on things that don't fill that whole.

Sharmayne Sellers: 17:06

That makes sense. Oh, absolutely.

Dylan Sellers: 17:09

We weren't expecting to go there, bro. It was good stuff. Man, I like having you here. You're gonna get me used to it. That's not a good thing. Well, I am used to you. I don't know. I don't know what I would do without you, bro. That was that was all I had to say about that. I think that's all we had to say about that. Well, this was so I said, and we just did. We Out