So I Said: I think I'm attracted to my trauma | S2. Ep. 4

The one where Sharmayne and Dylan talk about connecting with familiar trauma. 

Transcript

Dylan Sellers: 0:00

So I said, I think I'm attracted to my trauma.

Sharmayne Sellers: 0:05

Wow. I'm saying I hear my guy.

Dylan Sellers: 0:08

Okay. To be fair to be fair, that's true, too. Yeah. It's actually one of the things like if we're honest, that almost broke us up. Okay, how so? Because

Sharmayne Sellers: 0:25

we broke up like, a couple times. Yeah, it's fine.

Dylan Sellers: 0:29

podcast for another day. But, uh, I think this is more recently, right. The problem was, we both we both got healed. Yeah. And we didn't know how to interact with each other. Because our traumas matched. Right? I like to be needed. Yeah. You were needy. Yeah. And so the traumas worked. Yeah. So like, they fit Yeah, right. Then you went to therapy. And I went to therapy. And we talked, we started to get healed. And then we didn't really know how to interact with each other different people, different people. And so like, how do you stay together after that? But I still think that, like, I attract my trauma, right? The people that I find in relationship, I attract my trauma, what am I supposed to do with that? Or like, how do I navigate those spaces? When I find myself, like, attracted really to myself?

Sharmayne Sellers: 1:33

I think that for me, is this is probably gonna sound conceited, but like, I love it, because I speak that language. So I don't have to do a whole lot of guessing. I mean, of course, everybody's situation is different and unique to them. But a lot of the overarching themes are similar, right? So for me, I'm like, Oh, I'm about to shine like we are here. I understand what this means. I get this. I attract a lot of people who are like working with kids, the ones who are the most difficult, don't give me any issues nobody else in the building wants to deal with. Or, you know, even some of our church members. Like, there's a lot of similarity with me and the women that we serve.

Dylan Sellers: 2:16

So well. How do you make those relationships work? Right? Because like, if you're attracted to your trauma, usually what I end up with also ends up happening is like, that trauma shows up, and not the so nice way, right? It causes friction. So how do you decide really, like, what's yours? What's theirs? How do you make the how do you do the barriers, right? How do you how do you make, make the relationship still work, even in relationships where like, I'm saying, like your friends, right?

Sharmayne Sellers: 2:51

It really is. For me, it has been, it has been unique to the person and depending on the situation. So there were some instances where I had friendships, where I saw a lot of myself in them, but like the unhealed, still working it out version. And when I first started to recognize it some years ago, I put a huge distance in between us, because it made me really uncomfortable. In that moment, I didn't necessarily realize that I was looking at myself, I just knew that I didn't like what I was seeing. And then over time, as I'm spending more time in therapy, I'm realizing that I want to distance myself from it, because it's a reflection of something that I'm trying to get away from within myself. So like, I don't want to be reminded of it. So I don't want to be around you.

Dylan Sellers: 3:49

So you have taken it out on those people, because you didn't want to deal with you

Sharmayne Sellers: 3:52

that part. And so then you get you get even more healing and with healing, usually comes maturity. And so now, because I speak that language, somebody has to be able to translate for them. Because now I can speak. I mean, for lack of a better phrase broken and healed. Because I understand what that means I understand where that came from, I understand why you're saying this thing this way, or the struggle that you're having with even trusting me or opening up to me, like you'll tell me half of the story. Or you'll say something, and like we both know what you mean, but for some reason you're leaving out details are? Yeah, any sum. And so for that, that I understand what that means there's, I want to trust you and I'm just gonna give you a little bit to see what you do with it. And then if I like the way that you respond, I'll tell you more walls. Wow. And so, brick by brick, I'll start removing them so you can see more of me. But be clear. If you say something wrong in bricks go right back up. Like That's a fact this is this is a working project

Dylan Sellers: 5:03

to build houses because of that, I'm sure.

Sharmayne Sellers: 5:06

And so for, for me, I've just with healing and being a First Lady, you have to learn patience. You cannot interact with people and hope that they figure it out. And the timeframe that you think it should happen, because if I'm being honest with myself, it took me years to figure this out. And just because I haven't figured it out now, I can't I'm not I, it's unfair to try to speed up somebody else's timeline.

Dylan Sellers: 5:38

So what you're saying is like, you recognizing the trauma in you, gives you empathy, yes. allows for some grace to be present. And I think that that's important if we're talking like, relationships, right? I mean, at the at the bottom of this, right, like, and it's really like, honesty and truth.

Sharmayne Sellers: 6:03

Yes. That was the, when you asked me like, how do you deal with it, I say, honest, I would say honesty and vulnerability. Because oftentimes, I, I am attracted to, or women who are attracted to me are very, very strong, very independent, and handle business, make it do what it do, but at the same time, need someplace to fall apart. And don't feel like they have that option, because they're always responsible for putting everything else together. So I'm so busy putting all of this together, where does where's my space? So fall apart? Which is why I'm not telling you everything, because I don't know if I can trust you,

Dylan Sellers: 6:43

right? And usually what I'm saying what you're talking about, like women who are go getters, nobody starts out that way. Right? And so like, it's because they recognize that like, ain't nobody coming, and nobody come in. I can't trust it. You know, I'm saying I didn't do it myself. And that's, that's women and men, by the way, right? That, like, I got to do it on my own. And so like, what comes with the being willing to work until the wee hours in the morning and get up and do it all over again. There's some trauma there, right? Where you don't value rest. You know what I'm saying? Like? So like, you know, that's a podcast day about the crypto that in there, right? Because rest is holy baby. This thing is only if God needed to rest, so do you apart? That's a whole other thing. But I appreciate you breaking that down. Because I think that I find myself in those situations pretty regularly. Were the people who I'm attracted to, or are or are attracted to me. And the ones that I bump heads with the most right? Are people who reflect the trauma that I'm trying to get away from. I think you articulated that beautifully. I appreciate it,

Sharmayne Sellers: 8:00

I think. So in those moments, I used to be frustrated, because I'm like, Why? Why is the same person. Every time I turn around, like, here's a new person who had the same issues. But now I look at it as an opportunity to be thankful and empathetic. Because if I had not surrendered to the process of healing and knowing myself and doing the work, then God wouldn't trust me with those people. Because you have to they have to be able to see what's possible on the other side. And not that I have it all together, but I fought like hell to heal from situations, unapologetically. So when you're around me, we're not staying here.

Dylan Sellers: 8:48

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. As a man you don't pull it out your bag was back we come out. That was the Lord Listen, I don't mean be a hater right now. Like I'm gonna let you I'm gonna let that live. I'm let that live. So this was so I said, and Sharmayne just did and we out