So I Said... Grace or Goodbye: Decoding the Signs of Disinterest in Dating with LTMH | S2.Ep.6

The one where Dylan and the hosts of a Letter to My Homegirls podcast, Sydnei, and Morgan, discuss the hot topic of romantic disinterest.

Transcript

Morgan Adrine: 0:00

So I said, I'm not a mind reader. So let's jump right in and Sydnei How are you feeling? I'm spicy.

Sydeni Sellers: 0:07

Um, I'm probably sitting at jalapeno.

Morgan Adrine: 0:11

Jalapenos, a little spicy Dylan.

Dylan Sellers: 0:14

Jalapeno. Definitely bell pepper like, here for color. Definitely very, very little taste. That's

Morgan Adrine: 0:29

nothing. I will be a banana pepper. I'm a little tangy, spicy. Given banana pepper.

Dylan Sellers: 0:37

It's gonna be episode. Okay.

Morgan Adrine: 0:40

So let's jump into it. So, I want us to talk about dating expectations. And like I said, not being a mind reader, especially in your relationship. So how are you feeling I'm saying?

Sydeni Sellers: 0:52

All right. So I have a question scenario for you guys. Right? So I, me and my best friend, we have conversations a lot about dating, and just life because dating is ghetto. Um, so

Dylan Sellers: 1:07

I hear and

Sydeni Sellers: 1:08

out the game for quite some time for a while. Thank God for Jesus. We were talking and we were talking about the dating phase and how we really despise the dating phase like it is probably the most draining phase of life to be honest. That's a lot. Isn't it? And mainly because people's intentions you just don't know. And you have to invest so much time. So much emotion, so much patience, finances, a lot of stuff into just potentially dating to find out that this person is not it

Morgan Adrine: 1:49

added for clarification. When you say dating, is this the phase before boyfriend girlfriend or is his boyfriend girlfriend?

Sydeni Sellers: 1:55

So we are talking about dating? As in no title? No Title. Okay. Yes. Gotcha. Like, alright, just out the gate, you get an audience and I like you. You like me? You cute. Let's go. Yeah, so we were talking about that. And we were talking about consistencies, right and how there's a lot of expectation in dating right off the bat, especially with women 30 And up, like, I mean, I've dated at this point, if you are trying to pursue me, you should have some sort of idea what you want. Or else why are you in my face? I'm so just trying to decide whether or not if somebody lacks consistency after the week or so. You should rid them.

Morgan Adrine: 2:42

Or, like, you should read them.

Sydeni Sellers: 2:44

Yeah. Because we get rid of folks over here. Okay. Um, or should you extend them? Grace? Right? Should you try to analyze whether or not the things that you're asking for are things that you should be giving yourself? Are you asking for too much you just met this person? Should there be any type of commitment obligation? I'm unsure, okay, because my expectations and standards are kind of high thing that I am working through, though, because I do feel like balance is necessary. No, there's nothing wrong with it. But you shouldn't just rid people. You shouldn't just rid people. So that's something that I'm working through. But I think I want to kind of ask you guys, what it is that you feel like Morgan and dylan also being married, you know, you been out the game for quite some time. But, but you have single friends, you know, so like, What is your perspective? So let's say I'm gonna give you guys a scenario. Got it? Okay. Then you can tell me you know, or give me a scenario. All right, so you're dating this person have dated them. First week. Amazing text messages. How you doing? Can't wait to see you. vibes. Y'all go out. vibes. vibes. It's a vibe like, Y'all collectively feel like it's a vibe. Okay? The next few days, communication starts to lack. No reason why no rhyme or reason. No warning. You get a little irritated. You know you like so you was ready. Right now you're not ready. Right? So should you just take that as a sign of disinterest? They're not interested or wait until a conversation is had to deem the this interest gone. I feel your bell pepper.

Dylan Sellers: 4:40

I'm here for the color.

Morgan Adrine: 4:42

Do you think so? Okay, so I'll say this. I'm 25. So a little bit younger. However, I have the same mindset as you in the sense that I'm not here to waste my time. Like I know what I want. I know that I want to be married one day. I know that before I have children. I want to be married. So in other words, I'm not here to waste time. Like, I'm not here to play games. Tell me what it is that you want, what you're looking for how you expect me to show up for you and trust and believe that I'm going to do the same. So I feel like those conversations are important. Because off the jump, like, I am already telling you what I need from you. Like one of the first conversations I had with the person that I'm dating now was communication, like, so how many times because he's also not from here? Well, he's from here, but he doesn't live here. So it was also like so how many times do you expect to check in in a day? Like, what do you need for me? Are you a person that you need? Good morning text? Are you okay? When I didn't mourn the text, but you want a phone call that night? having those conversations are important because I feel like communication gets rid of a lot of issues. Obviously. If we communicate about our expectations, and quote, unquote, our guidelines from the jump, hurt, feelings won't be involved. There'll be no, like, there'll be no Blurred Lines. However, I do believe in extending people grace, but I believe that grace comes with the little clause at the bottom and fine print. Because for example, because the example you gave so okay, you're we're texting every day for the first week or whatever. And then the following week, I don't hear from you. I'm texting you like, hey, what's up i aint heard from you. I want it I'm gonna flat out ask you like, what do you like? What's what's going on? Like, you don't have to tell me your whole life story. But I what's going on? Is there's something going on that's caused you to change your communication. Are you going through family stuff work stuff was going on? Okay, no, none of that. Then what are we doing?

Sydeni Sellers: 6:42

So you know, what's interesting? I don't even give that. And that's, that's the fourth. I don't even reach out. Because I just feel like I just feel like if you were consistent, and there's a breaking consistency, then you made a choice. No, very true. And there's nothing wrong with what we're doing. But I'm saying that's the part of me

Morgan Adrine: 7:08

that I feel is murky water. No, I for you in that because I also believe that people make time for it. They want to make time for it. And if you want it to talk to me, you will make time to talk to me just like you make time to check Instagram, get on Twitter, look at ESPN. You will make time to talk to me. Do you want to talk to me? So that's us. I give grace within reason because especially in the in the initial dating phase. Now once we boyfriend, girlfriend, all of us out the woodwork. You either gonna get this together or not. Right? But in that first dating phase, I really do try to give grace and listen. I'm growing and I'm learning because I wasn't always patient pray for patience every day. Oh, this is patience. Yeah. Wow. Because you're playing you're playing with my time.

Dylan Sellers: 7:54

So dylan Oh, okay, go. Come on. So I'm going with the scenario. Okay, so the scenario is week one.

Sydeni Sellers: 8:10

Okay. Yes. This is week. Seven days.

Morgan Adrine: 8:12

Seven days was good. You did one

Dylan Sellers: 8:14

day. Yeah, the vibes were good.

Morgan Adrine: 8:17

Can we clarify one day? Yes. Okay. Okay, let's go with multiple

Dylan Sellers: 8:21

dates that week. Let's say today because of you beat a guy and he gives you three dates in the first week. He don't got nothing going on facts

Morgan Adrine: 8:30

right. Now he's serious about Well, I mean, no, like

Sydeni Sellers: 8:33

life life. You're busy. I don't have the time.

Dylan Sellers: 8:37

Right. Married and I can't do I can't date right. So. Every night. Every night is not a date night. Like this. So one week, generous. Two dates, got the vibe. And then the next week. He stops texting a bit. You didn't say that he ghosted you. So did he just like he's not? It's not every day. The day like this it just Wayne or does it stop

Sydeni Sellers: 9:15

so that that communication just dwindles? So it's not as consistent as it was before.

Morgan Adrine: 9:21

So steady all texting every day you using the

Dylan Sellers: 9:25

word you're using the word consistent, and you don't have enough time for consistent. Elaborate, consistent is over time. Right? And so like, it's not as much as it was, but you don't know what consistent is consistent, deems that there's a pattern. Right? Like,

Morgan Adrine: 9:47

it takes seven days to build a habit.

Sydeni Sellers: 9:49

And I in my opinion

Dylan Sellers: 9:50

takes up more time than that.

Sydeni Sellers: 9:54

But my thing is with dating two ways the dating and the idea of dating I'm a real big firm believer that you should not provide a vibe you cannot maintain. Okay, so you are somebody who does not spend all your time texting and making sure she's okay saying good morning on Saturday, you don't start that sweetheart. Oh my thing. You a woman like me, okay woman like my friends, you can't pick us up and drop us off and expect to come pick us back up, right? You have to keep the momentum up or else there is going to be a detachment or some sort of break. Because in my mind, my mind and how I value myself. I'm like hotcakes outside. You know, I'm saying like I there is people that's trying to get with the kid, you know. We sat me down on the shelf. Right. So so that's my thing. It's the care system see? Fair, the consistency with starting a starting something out like that and not being able to maintain it is the issue that I see with a lot couldn't take that up. Yeah, it's just that part.

Dylan Sellers: 11:07

Fair. It seems like there's a lot of pressure here.

Sydeni Sellers: 11:13

And I can admit

Morgan Adrine: 11:13

that there definitely is. But But I feel like I I know what I'm bringing to the table. Like, I know that. I don't

Dylan Sellers: 11:22

know what you're bringing to the table. It's only been a week. I don't I don't know. How do you get there, though? Over time, like,

Morgan Adrine: 11:30

I don't believe I'll show because I a man is going to show you what he wants from the beginning. He's going to show you if he if you are the person that he is willing to.

Sydeni Sellers: 11:40

Listen, Morgan, I got a question for him. Dylan, when you were dating Sharmayne, right? Were you consistent from the start to the finish? That's the words. Was there ever a time where she felt like, you weren't interested in

Morgan Adrine: 11:56

her? No. And that's how you're married. That's exactly what we're saying. Listen, listen.

Dylan Sellers: 12:01

That's not what you said. You said? You said he hasn't kept up the communication. Therefore, I'm making a decision that he's uninterested. But that's what you said.

Morgan Adrine: 12:12

Let me ask this. So if you at any point in time, week two, week three, week four, had changed what you were doing and how you were treating Sharmayne, do you think that you guys will be be married today?

Dylan Sellers: 12:23

But she would communicate? Right? Because you don't? You? I don't know you? And you

Morgan Adrine: 12:28

don't know me? Right? There's some communication involved does not know

Dylan Sellers: 12:32

what I'm saying. Right? Like, an assumption is made that we should rid a person after a week, right? Like

Morgan Adrine: 12:39

I said, I'm giving a little bit more grace and

Dylan Sellers: 12:43

grace, because you gave him the third degree. What's going on what we do?

Morgan Adrine: 12:49

Realistically, if I don't hear from you, I am asking like, what's going on? Why, though? Why? Okay,

Sydeni Sellers: 12:55

so that's my, di, let

Dylan Sellers: 12:57

me let me let me be honest, right. Like, we start talking and I don't know you, right, like, and then you don't hear or you don't message me back. Right? I'm moving on until you message back. Because I have nothing invested there. You are way too invested after a week that you're even considering or trying to figure out. Like, what a person way to invested. It's been a week

Sydeni Sellers: 13:23

where I really and me and my best friend were talking about this. I think that one of the biggest things, especially with dating, and identifying what type of person you are, is the detachment of emotion that's required to date that is difficult for me and women period, because there is a level of detachment because you could see somebody and you could have those vibes and those feelings. And if you are a woman who doesn't really like the idea of dating multiple people, its exhausting. The thought is very, so not I'm not suggesting what is it? But the detachment is necessary. Because we had a conversation about that too. Like sometimes your emotions get they supersede they go too fast. Too far too soon. Yeah, like you got to reel it back. That's

Dylan Sellers: 14:08

what I'm feeling here. Yeah, they're like, we're already like, Well, if he wouldn't be there, he will keep texting me so week. He don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's like, can we get to date three? Do you don't I'm saying like, but but my

Sydeni Sellers: 14:23

thing is, how are you going to get to date three, if you haven't been consistent, like what makes?

Dylan Sellers: 14:27

It's not? It's not a it's not.

Morgan Adrine: 14:29

Let's remove the texting everyday thing because me personally, I know, I can't text all day, I text you every day. We're gonna have phone calls, and I can't text all day. I'm busy. And I don't want you to text me all day either. So let's eliminate the texting but there should be consistency there in your communication, right?

Dylan Sellers: 14:46

But there your idea of like communication, you have to define that. Exactly. You do. And so like so if I'm communicating with you once a week twice a week, right? Like, let's say it was everyday because like, if I just met somebody, you are interested, I'm like, every day like, what is going on, but then, but then I might go into it, but I might get into my life. And you're not already a part of that life.

Morgan Adrine: 15:18

But I feel like as a as an adult, you should be able to prioritize your time, you are not a priority at that time. No, I under I don't expect to be a priority. But you should be able to if you are interested in me, and if you are saying that you want to get to know me, you should prioritize getting to know me, whether I'm at the lowest priority, you should have a time slot and everything in your day.

Dylan Sellers: 15:40

That's fair, right? We're not saying that he didn't communicate at all, he's not communicating enough. This was a question of consistency. Right? So it was like, I texted you or called you every day. And now it's down to two days. Oh, he don't like me, like, like, let's back

Sydeni Sellers: 15:58

away. And I wanted to bring but I really wanted to bring it up because this is a thing that like women deal with, like it's

Morgan Adrine: 16:05

and I will say I don't, I don't know.

Dylan Sellers: 16:10

context, which is why this is freaking me out. Because like when I go out of town, I could be out of town for like seven days. Me and Sharmayne, don't talk really entire seven days, but you

Sydeni Sellers: 16:22

know what, deal with it but at the same but it is different because which you have to understand to a relationship is established and trust is established already. So for you to be able to go out of town for multiple days and not check in with your wife. That's a level of trust that you have earned, that the two of you know is trust is God. That's

Dylan Sellers: 16:44

that's fair. Right. But the the inverse is true as well. Again, you don't know him and he don't know you. So why was there trust that needed to be established? What what is happening that like, we are so deep into this, that you are able to make a decision about a person after a week and a half?

Morgan Adrine: 17:01

I will say for me, I don't assume he's not interested. But I do ask questions like What's

Dylan Sellers: 17:07

asking questions is fine, right? So like giving context communicating. You two are in different places. Yeah, Sydnei is gonna cut them off. She can rid off. And she's not even communicating. I'm gonna allow a little grace because he'll he'll texted, get ghosted, after things was good. Oh, thanks was great. And like, I didn't text for a couple of days, like, Hey, how you doing? I was thinking about you. Air? What did I do? Well, you didn't text me immediately. You didn't know say like, we didn't text all day. So

Morgan Adrine: 17:44

you also have a different tolerance level. And I do like Sydnei is now

Dylan Sellers: 17:48

out on the table. What's what's actually happening here? Is a response to your trauma, right? It's experience. Right? Your experience is leading you into a space that will keep you in a cycle.

Sydeni Sellers: 18:04

Well, so yes. So that's why one thing about me is, I'm very self reflective. So by no means, do I suggest that this is the spokes person, right? To how you deal with people. But I do believe that there are different things that you can notice in people that are not okay. And sometimes you got to cut them off. I have given now I have given the benefit of the doubt, finger, a finger. The finger, I haven't given the benefit of the doubt. I have allowed grace, I have given second chances. I think I think that it's all situational to like when you know, you know, and when you think is worth it is worth the patients and the grace and understanding and

Morgan Adrine: 18:50

because everybody and getting is great.

Dylan Sellers: 18:53

That wasn't the conversation we were having. Right?

Sydeni Sellers: 18:56

This was about the particular situation. Stories? Yeah. Well, what I'm saying is, it's a very common response. And yes, it is because of different experiences that I've experienced, or women alike have experienced. But I don't want to negate the fact that it's because this has happened to people before. Yeah, you know, it's not coming from anywhere,

Dylan Sellers: 19:18

suggesting that it is and I'm not even suggesting that, like, You're wrong. It was it's shocking to me, and also sometimes a bit confusing, that like we were that we're that deep in and we're able to make a make an assumption about somebody already. And so it's like, I wouldn't make it in this dating world.

Morgan Adrine: 19:38

And that's our problem.

Dylan Sellers: 19:40

But nobody's dilemma. If if if Sharmayne was making decisions the way that it sounds like people out here are making decisions, I wouldn't have made the cut,

Sydeni Sellers: 19:54

but also dialing you got married to Sharmayne in what year there are They're not even just that, I think that there are a lot of your different 2014. That's what that was the one time I was like thinking about the different influence, instant gratification is a thing that's a major, like, men in lust in a detachment from spirituality and God and knowing what you want and purpose is all a thing. So that is what keeps women on guard, like after a week, if something in my spirit say, right, so

Morgan Adrine: 20:29

what you exactly

Dylan Sellers: 20:32

are you at that point that he told me? No, but

Sydeni Sellers: 20:34

this is what I'm saying. Like, just off of that scenario, I get what you're saying. Like, I think that thinking about it, like I told you, me and my best friend, we were having this conversation. And we both agree that that response, whether it her or me, is a response based off of nothing, you know, it's a really emotional emotional influence response. And it's way too much emphasis and way too much emotion. Like that was the conclusion that we came up with, okay. But it was a healthy conversation to have, because a lot of women like if you come in here, because it's a term that is very prevalent nowadays. And it's called love bombing. And I don't know if you've heard about love bombing, but it's a thing, man come in, and he swooped you, okay? He dropped all of these things, all of you do all these nice things. And then a week later, you don't hear from dropping like a bomb. So it's like, he doesn't got your emotions all the way up. And they hate you, like, you're feeling your vibe, and they just disappear. It's a thing. So like, you have to be aware of that, especially if it's somebody that you like, so I can see if it was mine, he was texting me. And it's like, I don't really care for him. But if it's somebody that you feel like you could be invested in, these are different things you gotta pay attention to.

Morgan Adrine: 21:48

And as I say after the after the first date for me, I know if you are somebody that I want to continue dating or not. So okay, we go on a first date Monday night, this module is the first week of us talking. And so Monday night, we're going to date Tuesday night, we talking by Wednesday night, I'm already having conversations with you. And if I see this continuing and what I need from you communication wise, so we get to week two, and you're following up on that was was good. Like, we're, I know, you heard me, you said you heard me. You told me what you need it. So why is that not matching?

Sydeni Sellers: 22:20

It's a lot, it really is a lot. It's a lot.

Dylan Sellers: 22:25

That's why That's why and like you said, I got I have single friends I do. And I'm like grown grown now. So like, none of this is making any sense to me. And it's not to suggest that like, oh, well, Dylan, you've been out of the game too long. So like you don't understand this, like, people were still people. Right? You know what I'm saying? And so like, the influences that you had that instant gratification piece is a huge thing. But it can't be the thing that dictates you because like what's happening is there's so much focus on the first few months of your relationship. Right? That like, it's no wonder to me that, like folks aren't getting married. And when they do they don't stay married? Yeah. Because like it is, it is impossible to maintain anything like this, this idea of like, consistency, right? It exists, but it don't in marriage. Right. Right. Like it is it is very much so I have committed to be with this person through thick and thin ups and downs whether I like them or raising them saying so like, there's no practice of that. And dating, right? And dating doesn't just mean for you like for, for it was true before Instagram took over the world, right? Tick tock took over the world, like, people were getting their needs met and calling that dating. And that's not the same thing. Right? You know what I'm saying? So like, you're, you're out here, and it's like, well, you know, I like him. She liked me. And so we start doing things that like, and expecting things that like husband and wives expect. You don't I'm saying whether that be sex, or spending copious amounts of time, or investing my time and energy in you. Right in a way that like, is not sustainable for either one of us at this current juncture.

Morgan Adrine: 24:16

I get that. But I also feel like especially in today's culture, and environment with instant gratification and everything else, people I'll speak for guys, a lot of guys that I have met, they they into wastin time. That is just like the consistency part is going to show me if you're really here for fun, or if you're here to actually do something with you.

Dylan Sellers: 24:42

I don't know that consistency shows you that more than conversation does

Morgan Adrine: 24:45

conversation cool, but consistency plays a big part in

Sydeni Sellers: 24:50

that conversation. People got slick tongues, and this in this society. It's gotta be more about show me versus exactly that, even that I think it's just so many different influences. That's why I rely a lot on my discernment because somebody could tell you all day all night, they give you all day time and still don't be doing right you know what I'm saying? So I think that more so than not I trust my gut trust my gut I trust my discernment and trust God but notice what I'm saying that's what that's my discernment comes from like God literally has to be the author and the anchor because people be disguised all the time.

Dylan Sellers: 25:33

So what I don't know what what kind of time we got left because like now I'm I'm confused because the question Yeah, I need to know like, how your community plays a role in this and maybe maybe this is something we talk about on our next episode because you know, I don't really like to be going super long right? And this is y'all done confused me

Sydeni Sellers: 26:00

to bring you outside

Dylan Sellers: 26:04

for a weekend, because it is crazy what you know what this has been so I say goodbye right? And I'm here with letter to my home girls like the new podcasts that'll be dropping this summer with the with the host Sydnei Morgan, and they have baked my noodle today. We left I started the show at a bell pepper right now. I don't know if I'm a pepper anymore like a banana, banana. I might be a banana So I Said Pod and I just did we out